(...)

Stumped!

You do feel like a wreck after you realize a mistake…but while destroying oneself, seeped in pride (miss takes need pride to sustain) … one just feels the ‘strength’ the force with which one moves… that force is nothing to be proud of for it creates the wreck.

Nothing much happened; outside circumstances are becoming less important. Through a victory or defeat, gain or loss all I seem to be affected by is “how equanimous was I …did I just react or was I in control, how objective was I and how much of it I could penetrate” (last word might seem funny;) and my state of mind seems to be all that matters…if I could maintain the equilibrium through an experience of ‘pain’ no harm was done…if I lose my head no ecstasy is ‘joy’

Gain or loss, life or death doesn’t seem to matter, not that much … (if I seem like a victim of some conditioning as I say these things then the fault lies in the use of language;) ha ha.

we live in a conditioned environment and each of one is bonded in ideas, thoughts, mindsets … far from the awareness of gut reactions, thrusts which make us laugh, cry, which excite and overwhelm us, drain and depress us, like a ball toss us in fluctuating decisions and mindsets …all the force we are proud of goes in creating the wreck…but who is stopping to see it, what we see though are the wrecks surrounding us.

May be the conditioning is losing its hold on me, + and – are no longer absolutes and extremes, may be my concepts of + and – are changing and the shift is internal… ‘how I reacted’ instead of solely depending on the external event…knots ease out and as new knots surface I know am being cleansed…

For this is state of mind where purity matters, it doesn't matter if the event is cleaning floors, the toilet in a place, say, Himachal or sitting in an ultra office making decisions...doesn't matter as long as I am honest, there is something like purity in intention something which is like the sheen of a diamond, alliance of guitar strings... something so pure that it cleanses u as you perform your daily actions, it lends perfection to it, a balance, a sense of control which leaves no wreck behind ... a pure state of mind which seeps down as elegance in every move

Then, you could be creating content, making love, meditating, reading, walking (ah! walking) ...

Lv