N

Heaven must be a place with guitar playn in there : (((


Phenomenally sad day though some of the best things happened ;

N one must be a big bore to think the best feeling is jogging in the morning-alone!
(Loose… lift in feet until speed! dew drops on ur skin n wind in your feet n through ur hair-watchin the steady breath)

The best time of the day- jogging in morn

The greatest high of the day- U guessed it, yeah Jog, run, jump, every thing else goes dump.

Hittn the strings harder


Heaven must be a place with guitar playn in there : )))))))))

Mindsets

I am fascinated. It is like standing on the shore and looking at the sky changing colors. My mind changes, moods swing for no apparent reason. Pride, anger, obsession, mean, , greed, calm, considerate, carefree now a sudden explosion of energy n now a heaviness…it changes a thousand times through the day n I just let it flow…knowing that none is me.
Am living in a company where people are least bother end am thankful for that…

The Bamboo Hut

Then, I stopped n wrote this:

There is a concern which hits me with a certain sense of urgency. It is midday and I have suspended my daily activities (bath, eating) to write this:

People fall in love

People fall in love with Other people* (and in some cases with objects, pets blah but that is a topic for later)

When in love, this ‘Other’ becomes so ‘familiar’ that one starts considering this ‘other’ person as ‘mine’(not a very nice thing to do- read on and u would know why). Though the ‘I’ is replaced by ‘us’ and ‘me’ by ‘we’ the basic idea is - the mind ceases to look at this ‘Other’ as someone else and the unit of two becomes one i.e. a Unity is formed (a rare phenomenon)

Now,

This unity may continue: ) or may not continue:(

Though I do not want to dishearten ‘forever in love’ genre but the unity is bound to be broken, in a greater or a shorter duration of time…it is matter of time even as we talk in terms of lifetimes

Why is this unity broken?
The ‘other’ may no longer be the same and is subject to change

The change may be so drastic that even the ‘preferences’ of the other may change. Some changes will disrupt coexistence in unity and these glaring changes compel to Choose, making the difference in preference stand out.

Changed preferences of ‘other’ may make him/her seek unity somewhere else.

When this ‘other’ (presumed to be our own part) moves away from ‘unity’, one might feel that a part of self is gone- therefore the pain of separation

Though over time one realizes that one is still One and not a fraction, even without the Other !

A shift in understanding may bring the realization that the ‘stranger’ which every ‘Other’ is destined to become, is just a reflection of pure unity or purity of self, which expresses independence exclusive of any ‘Other’.
That the other was ‘attraction’ precisely because there was ‘opposition’.

As soon as the opposition is transcended a shift occurs breaking the illusion-change ensues. Other is no longer special but …normal again!

One can now categorically view one self as apart/away from the Other. One gains clarity and familiarity enough to recognize the self away from the other. This is the point where unity was broken, a synthesis and antithesis. The self sees the self as exclusive of the ‘Other’, who was previously essential to bring the realization of a self which was possible only through the presence of a relative existence.
Touch of the Other had brought a body consciousness like never before, bringing a realization of self in a relative opposition, adding to richness of experience(I needn’t elaborate this:) Though dhakkan that an untrained mind is, it eludes itself in to believing that ‘other’ is the self just because the presence/touch of the other sets in the realization of self more acutely. Other was just a relative opposition and a means of realizing what was already there. ‘Other’ was a function in relativity and will fade after the change, the shift

And the shift is bound to occur


And for a rare n few who dare to go further …after a full circle, the search of self within self ensues (internal)

Layer by layer the idea of self is broken carving an anonymous sculpture.
Chisel of practice in the right direction (of a previously scattered mind) breaks the imposed idea of self established by social, political and economic concerns. Functionality sustains but the revelation is also there

Layers of self, established by family, custom and religion are thwarted

Self still seeks self rejecting all false imposed ideas which were ‘collective truths’
Neti Neti

And this is the point when there is no need for the Other. This is also the stage where true companionship is possible because, now, there is no compulsive dependence



# I have talked of a rare situation. Call it rare cause most of the time people feel the emotion for images of people they have created (or worse still, are caught in an arranged institution marring possibilities;) they never know the ‘other’ well enough to take the first step, seeped in assumptions they r living a false life…like a monkey refusing to accept the death of the baby n carrying the body along :( -might not be true in all cases, and to these exception the article is addressed


#If someone feels that these ideas are idiotic, false, imaginary, detached or absurd, abstract, pessimistic or cruel …I empathise. I just said what I felt, you are free to agree/disagree. Also, I could not help the mathematical objectivity/detachment with which I have pointed out things in absolution : ((

As I Discovered

Anger at something/anything, no matter how disgusting (I can vomit right now) is HEAVY- capacity to act rationally goes down, heaviness (by product of anger) stiffens the nerves and makes the body (and mind) rigid. Anger is, yes, RAW*


There are defilements, your capacity to remain undisturbed even in the face of most grotesque, just reflects the purity quotient of your disposition.


Later
Also, anger is an outcome of the fact that the understanding is either incomplete or that there is misunderstanding. A clear and a complete understanding will arouse empathy even if there is hurt caused. Foolishness(if any) will stand stark...naked!.

Sans judgement, sans anger, a clear perception would see no enemy no defeat cuz there is hurt caused on both sides. Just concrete action, decision and empathy will effuse from a 'balanced' even in midst of a bloody warfield or in a stinky sluthouse.


#Apologies if you find me funny, these are notes to myself and I haven't given the immediate cause of 'anger'- the cause hardly matters, anger does - the fact that my mind was blurred for a while.

I wrote down anger (the first para*), the observation was written later, after I resolved.

How Old This Blog Looks!

How old this blog looks!

(Err should I say that? Lemme see what can I write about being old…I might grow in to a wise old woman, n might like it!

Or

I might grow in to a silly, sick old woman n… I might not like it)

After a pause

Do I even relate to what I have in these posts below (they do not even carry my name now)…yeah it is me. I remember typing these words with great enthusiasm to share, to note down, to sort…to remember

and now

it is like pieces of an egg shell, after the hatched one took off -flight


#might write more if I feel like my old self again…an exercise in truth n am satisfied for this moment

The Film

Rewritten

My mind’s state
Like a drunk man’s parade

Like a drunken hold over reality
Faculties seeped in illusions, sans clarity

Unreal dilema ever since and since so long
And mind you, its hold is strong

Compulsions I called interests, or worse still, presumed to be my ‘nature’
Were just contradictions of coincidental conjecture

But this day like every other…woke up to do my bit
Eat, walk, talk, stand up and sit
Chew, gulp, pace, step, hold and rest…everyday deed like brushing my teeth
Metro, movie, walking up to meet my friends who live down the street

As I re- lived this day…the repetitive cycle of everyday...
No event was new-just that this time I knew!
Ah! as if sun came out when clouds clear up the sky
As if I woke up after a drunken high

Slowly as I had given up…the darkness cleared up
And though there were patches still dark, there were rays bright and stark

..suggesting of a possibility yet unknown
(Could look at a picture larger than my shrunken world
and the huge pieces of sadness and happiness suddenly were trivial in larger context)

Detachment which was until now an imposed disposition…now made sense
...was now a natural consequence

As I sat facing the books at Oxford
could take a peep in abstract...as tangible as the written word
The experience though liberating... it lasted only a while
leaving a memory like water drops on a slippery tile

Fear makes us shrink
equilibrium brings expanse beyond the power to think
That is why words don’t capture it
language and temptations loosen their grip

Incidents became incidental
lived a state of expanse less physical …

And how do I narrate
an experience not immediate

Every event has power in exclusivity
but becomes neither pain nor joy but neutral when experienced in pure relativity

Events do not change they remain the same
just that one stands at an elevation, looks through the game
And then giving up makes sense
bound was mind in things like coffee…things which lacked essence
Lacked essence precisely because one needs to refill the cup
in fulfillment temporary, will be caught in the rut
And in this state bound
might not aspire to look for beyond

How will the mind would aspire a path neither seen nor heard of!

And in this tied existence when one is told
listen, step by step drunkenness will loosen hold
One finds it hard to believe or to take the step bold

Calm n detached in mind thou shall be freed
even as your mouths chews and even as you feed
Do not let yourself go waste
in falling for the fake reality, in ‘taste’
It is through the key of being detached that one can open up the latch
cause bound by attachment I am attached, tied and withdrawing will open up options to the previously bound mind
and Giving Up happens not in action but in thought…whatever you think and whatever not

Even now, as I eat as before
My centre has shifted …and there shall be cure

More I become aware
….and ever so little I care

Just knowledge pure and distilled should I aspire to retain
and functionality enough to sustain

Less dependent I will be on the Outside
Me in all and all in me shall reside

Expansion will be the phenomenon
Until I know me was noone!

but before that happens there is a lot of pain to go through and I would lose track a couple of times before I tread on the highway again...its tough:)

The stuff written below was written previously but got messed up, instead of mending the watever writ below I recalled the moment and wrote the same thing in, may be, different words:)

God...no time!. Did not even come back to look at what got published here (I just keep typing and may/ may not post:D) the format of this post is gone ...meaningless now:(

I mean every word here-literally:)

Incidents occur There was a thin film Preoccupied my mind used to be LIMITED In incidents, emotions n reactions Mindstate bound to events Happiness and sadness a factor of events! The thin film was all I was aware of It was all, Until … Until-LETTING GO Conscious equilibrium, my mind wandered till I regained Conscious equilibrium until I felt every emotion as vibrations in every pore -mind n matter phenomenon(they are not separate) Gave up coffee Gave up addiction to acquire more Addiction to ambition and addiction to seeking support outside Addiction to lies and to hide Now, no longer as before I need not ask for more Nor will I need to hide cuz there is no other And nothing to fear Not that events would change no, events remain the same...centre of pain has shifted I do not remain tied to the immediate but stand lifted No cage no cave Will tie my mind Cuz today I saw the series of events which Are on the other side of the mirror of reality To make it clear: Today though I was sleeping, shitting, eating, walking, talking to people, in the metro, in a book shop planning outings with friends, failing to meet some and meeting new ones, watching a movie... I witnessed a state of mind away from the incidental incidents. A sense, a state of mind which went way beyond the ‘incidents’ which physically contained me(most clear realization while sitting in Oxford bookstore Connaught Place). Nothing embarrassed or irritated me and nothing hurt me because, now, beyond the ‘current incident’ there was a larger picture # Somehow I feel I cannot let any emotion overwhelm me now. Nothing should hold me back… Metta

#Spell of 'until' corrected

Looking for Permanence

Don’t be mislead by the title…am going to write trivia.

Since as long as I can remember, I have been looking for stability. Every time I find a nice place to live which suits my pocket …something happens before long:D Again I go about like a nomad. Living alone is a grand thing though. There is no other way in which discovery of self can take place. You need people …and they give a relative vision but that is for selected periods and generally in initial stages, after that a lot of lone…
Soon the idea of ‘operating without context’ would start palpitating…anyways lemme pull me back, I am happy to give up the beautiful terrace this time… I had (unexpected till I held the question paper) performed well in the test (ranked II) courtesy which I get a room in the much sought after University women’s hostel for post graduate students. Cool.

Walking

DF walked yesterday.


{Went to DF’s place straight after work last evening -She was bursting with news like every evening in the past. I WALKED she said. My heart danced…I did not know that she was capable of exciting such emotions:D.
Her eyes said there was more to tell…”I am getting a new car, new mobile (ya ya I am listening u hv more to say) …I spoke to him! (Flashy guy?? My gesture askd) Ya! First thing he asked me was if I am lamed, when I told him I am fine he said he will come to meet me.”

Me:Either you are meeting him or me, from now on.

(She knows I will keep my word and yes I AM interfering in her personal life…dammit I care!)
She’s got back her appetite I was musing as I fed her (eyes heavy with sleep) she watched some crappy soap on TV. (and she is going to miss him...rather an image she has created, if she knows the real person she might like to let go willingly) Did not have the energy left to go back home- got in to a large old T and pajamas, kicked her aside and slept}

#She will miss the August tournament. She has already decided the next one-I know her options;



Soon after being hit
People forget the big $***

From a Bhikku

backstage workings...this bhikku quote has smart language and yeah meaning ofcourse

"It is by the development of wisdom that one comes to understand the true state of affairs with regard to consciousness. It is something like taking a peek into the backstage workings of a magic show. Wisdom is something penetrative. In fact, the culmination of all endeavours is the development of wisdom. Wisdom is the crest-gem... the jewel of mankind."

- Bhikkhu K. Nanananda

*pls note that the word used here is development. Development...they practise wisdom, grow in wisdom and there is a defined path and tangible goal ...real tangible goal

Story

There was a tiny rash. Miss Mess saw the tiny pink rash and scratched it. Tiny rash turned red. Miss Mess tried to not to scratch so that it could heal but the rash would not go…and then the irritable urge to scratch. Miss Mess again absentmindedly scratched it. Tiny rash is big rash, even more painful. Miss Mess knew that scratching may even cause infection because her nails are dirty. But then one day she had nothing to do and she, without thinking, scratched it. Rash worsened. Miss Mess went out to play basketball and the rash sat on her toe veeery patiently knowing that Miss Mess would scratch again knowingly or by chance and the rash’s existence would be refueled. Well, it happened. Rash turned in to a real big irritating thing. Miss Mess looked at the rash, her own toe harbored the rash…and then rash has its own existence. Miss Mess decided that rash is opposed to her existence as it is harbored on her, sits on the toe it eats it. Rash is just following its nature-to make the beautiful toe ugly and susceptible to infection, painful! Rash had to die she decided. Miss Mess did not ignore the rash this time, she understood its nature. The rash swells when she has dirty nails, when she plays in dirt or when she falls for the false call to scratch. Aha ! Dirt is its nature. Miss Mess faced the pain, she pressed the infected rash, got the puss out, cleaned it with Neem water. Miss Mess got rid of dirt…and the rash was gone.
Miss Mess said “Rash bothered me, it was me who harbored it for free…now that I do not ignore it nor do I treat it as my own…now that I got rid of the dirt the rash is gone. Yes the rash is gone!” Miss Mess smart ass.

Least Resistance Mode and Expansion

I suddenly feel that whatever was said by me (including things on the blog) were spoken in abstract i.e. what was said by me was said to the walls as if. I know this to be both true and false.

Recently a lot of people have been sharing –their life, experiences, pain and joy. Angst too. I feel the same thing again …did I really understand what they meant?


Aloofness and all-centeredness reside in me
Precisely because they are opposites


And then communication/ interaction does take place like learning from a mathematics book or the way a computer programme works…interactive computer graphicsHA HA


Useless to talk...utterly useless
but it is also true that I Say it!


Know haven’t really said nothing about the title-will come back to write more.

Content Developers

He is the VC of a great Indian university. There is a book written in his name. Dedicated to the Chief Minister;) Sponsoring Editor wants some additions as from the appearance of the book it looks as if a lot is required in terms of course material...content etc. Book requires more examples and practice exercises before it can be useful for the students. We ask the author for more material.... author(the VC) of course is an expert at delegating…

Sales department in publishing house- Book has to come out in August

Editors- are tearing their hair looking at the language and content and there is content yet to arrive

Production Department (responsible for typesetting and printing)- are setting up to print but the editorial is not clearing the book. They have also not reeceived all the chapters/examples etc. How can they print....
Editors have valid reasons for not clearing- the content developers haven’t delivered the content for the book as yet…!!

#I have worked as a content developer for one year and some articles written by me were published for a govt. site ...but not in the original author's name. The copyright belongs to the company we sell our serivces to. Content developers are sellers of service like anyother service provider-they are given a set of specification and asked to meet the requirements. As a content developer I was a content developer and NOT a writer...quite reasonably because I was writing to meet a set of requirements not framed by me...i was authoring, producing, penning down the requirements speicified with little or no exercise of my mind-'just deliver' was the norm...one had to deaden oneself to one's own working mind and overtime would have learnt to mechanicaly follow instructions and draw a fixed salary- I 'd failed miserably



End of Day; it is intellectual pursuit(in whosoever's name) that wins hands down

The Moment Continued

Like I believe that meeting your dear manager is a new task everyday …there are questions, variation, swings dancing in the first glance she gives you or something in the pace when you step out of the office bus together…and ‘work’ has nothing to do with it-not on the forefront. Also, I realized that first glance dictates the mood of the day. Her glance was skeptic with some reserve today…I get this reaction from people when I do something out of sorts and if it-is me- in- relation- to- them frame. Well right now it was still the first glanceJ
Talked to her but even that did not have the usual reaction of instant rapport. And after a few hours of reworking the general weather I still seem to have not gotten too far.

Transposed

Location: My terrace
OK remove the ‘my’….landlady’s terrace we have taken on rent and use like ours.
It’s a ladies party there…I am the eldest, rest are still working for their graduation degree …and I already know the latest gossip about my to-be- teacher who visits their faculty in Stephens very often

Moonlight and glasses

Yester noon
Had come back tired to find that fruits I was planning to munch on r eaten…go upstairs and someone is wearing my shoes and jumping like a jack-skipping rope to be more precise

Back in time

I‘d told NE that I could not eat non-veg. She cooked and I got my stuff … eating together…this is our food she said sharing. Had fish n rice…with delight of sharing a meal…me


Now

Right now one of the finest moments of ‘flowing’


And in this state

I think that at times my unconscious is laid bare…not only to me but also to others- DAMN GOOD(that’s an oxymoron ain’t it…)

Undo

...felt like deleting the whole thing...stopped at two