Last exam...

...tomorrow.
Psycholinguistics…am feeling so *ked

Will go back to the rut of earning … fees, boarding, traveling and daily expenses …have to earn to last me through another year

This year will be different, won’t get much time …will have to write dissertations (2)

“Sai itna dijiye jame kutumb samaye
mai bhi bhokha na rahoon saadhoo na bhookha jaye”

Watever.

Studying for this last exam is so tough, onset of work life, concerns galore…all the concerns personal and professional …


It is unfortunate that I will pass…a student like me who had not attended classes (was earning all the while, but that is not an excuse!) had no notes/books until a few days before exams, studied only in the gaps between the exams jotting down stuff from the net, seniors blah… a person like me would pass! The system is rotten, question papers are predictable, you just need to mug, no original thinking required, just read and reproduce in the paper. Same questions! What is Aphasia?…bloody anybody who can comprehend the language would read once and answer. Where is the innovation in questioning, who thinks before answering … y u k!

It is sad, my hostel has all the ‘best’ students from all the courses…physics, music, maths, Sanskrit…I mean the highest scorers (only merit scholars get hostel seat) and it is disappointing to see them go waste. They are giving in to the rut … intellect is not respected, muggers score well. Though I hope things are not as bleak as they appear to me right now. May be I am not enlightened …may be I am wrong in believing that I am seeing a whole generation of scholars going waste…that the system is a factory producing productive employees instead of researchers or entrepreneurs, spineless followers instead of people with liberated minds … may be the whole rut is not rotten, may be someone will survive this system, may be someday we will have great research projects … until then we will keep providing cheap labor to the world

Ah!

this ain't good one...

Have an exam to write tomorrow ... how will I sit for three hours and write... this mind blowing pain

Pains ... ah, have to study too

breathing goes heavy, difficult, opened my eyes and was still there freaking lying in midst of the four walls of the room, am alone...sick

went to the bathroom, no water...can't crap

walked down to another block of our hostel to see if they have water, found a bucket with water and a very clean loo. took water and then heard someone shout at me...hey that's my water, my bucket, you used the mug from the loo!
embarrassed me said sorry...

but had taken the water now, eased myself

and now i think sitting in cool AC of our comp lab will help the sick, painful body I am carrying around

Peace

Growing Old

We shifted in our hostel quarters after I got admission

[I cleaned the room assembled my/our belongings and have been cleaning the room ever since (my roomie finds it difficult to 'stoop' and mop the floor). I had three bags and some cooking utensils and china plates as 'everything I had in this world' (also my ATM card) ...it did not take more than a few hours to shift and assemble everything from my old rented room to the new hostel room] I got up...was still getting used to the new room/setting, stood up from the bed and saw my reflection in the mirror as the dying evening light caressed my skin... it was woman...u know… suddenly the realization dawns

Undercurrent didn't let me stick to the image; it was a beautiful, a very beautiful image. As a kid I never thought 'I' would be molded in those curves ... and then the undercurrent came back ... days passed in reflection.

Months later: I was bending over to tie my shoe lace ... it is natural to grow old, 'tis a fact I would grow old, oh how natural it is to grow old I exploded with joy! my 23 year old self celebrated life not as fountain of youth but as a whole, death as truth bound to happen and me running towards it...

The joy was of truth, it was an understanding of truth not words which brought joy...now when I spot a grey hair, I revert back to being scared of losing the youth which is there, as I age I sometimes want to preserve it, hold it, may be take a picture and post, keep it so that I can see it when I lose my youth, to show off to others...ha ha… I, who has worked for years, wants to do that.

I miss that phenomenal proximity to the truth I felt while bending over to tie my shoe lace...the fact that I shall die, shall grow sick and shall grow old...that there is pain and that it is so true that I don't fear it anymore…
I have seen that the state exists…tirelessly I will work again -to see youth as youth, old as old and both as true and nothing more. I am overwhelmed and am intoxicated …even those are truths- ignorant, shallow, transitory truths … I shall establish myself in deeper more penetrative realization whilst still surrounded by all the tools beauty has to intoxicate, power has to lure

#this was before my birthday, am 24 now and running i.e on the jogging track mmuah mmuah I love the track, I love running, I love the sprint I made yesterday, the jog and the stretch I did today ...

The Flux

-The Chinese movie where they talked of the concept of ‘chi’ in a theatrical way

-Me in university grounds, after winning a race, with a friend who taught me a position of karate, had to hold myself

-Me (again!) in the mess hall studying ‘words’ (morphology) and ‘meaning’, exam the next day (insightfully discovered how shallow my understanding is)

Now these events won’t normally correlate (am I uselessly complicating my narration?) but in my stream of consciousness they are related.

Concepts associated with words like say ‘politics’ may acquire a new depth [after spending a year and few months working in a corporate and after having switched 6 jobs over that period of time, uninfluenced (but not ignorant) by success failure rate/ promotion/appraisal date]

I have been arriving at concepts too quickly … in the movie the kid trying to learn the skill of #martial arts couldn’t reach the depths because he was impatient…I can’t even despise myself for impatience, that would disturb equanimity, would further reduce patience.

While learning, a deconstruction of preexisting concepts may happen, resulting in a flux. A person undergoing this flux would need * solitude (mindful) , immense patience is required to go through this flux where one is left in the air with nothing to hold on to. Greater the patience, speedier the pace of coming out of the flux...ah!

#Sense of urgency (sou) is very different from impatience, sou gives positive energy and is akin/complacent with a cool mind, impatience is misleading, invariably

*Solitude is not physical but mental, one needs to abstain from crowding the mind from things like entertainment (say, a fav. song playting back of ur mind, or a tune!, passion, anger, a preconditioned outcome...u know) physically one just needs a calm place, there may be people around...solitude can be achieved even in a mob

exam in a few hours, need to go back to those books

* corrected by tinkertoon

wat lies in the future: take a peep with me))

He: Hey honey, can you imagine...( old world) they considered 24 c ideal weather condition, its Hot!- (People will regulate their environments at much lower temperatures)

She: (is very calm)Yeah, I also hear they could eat large amounts of food, so many people were Fat )) - (Obesity will be rare)

Talk ceases.

Verbal communication will be much less. Roads without litter, without jams. Population low. One major language across the world, with regional languages too. Some individuals will have entire language codes of their own. Very high IQ. Technology will gratify sexually, human company might sound gross or clumsy to some on occasions compared to what ultra gadgets will have to offer. Inclinations will change, basic instict of fight or flee, reflex actions weaker. Conscious mind space greater than unconscious in most cases. Population will go down substantially. A LOT more personal space for all individuals. No government (like as elected and interpreted now)

Life span will be higher. Language skills far more developed. Some will develop ESP. Thoughts will be conveyed directly without gadgets owing to developed communication. Less aggressiveness and less emotional shit. Science replaces religion completely; people more spiritual, no piracy. Cheating, lies considered primitive tendencies. Weapons in museums. Very little hair on skin. Sizes of mammals will change in proportion. Nobody cries on death.

Highly developed perception. Collective learning (schools) not compulsory, kids learn …err acquire on their own. No grammatical mistakes in expression (language would be such). Many will discover the laws of physics directly all by themselves… will leave their kids discover it all on their own too…(did I mention nobody would be really bothered whose kid wat surname, family and father’s name won’t be carried on. Inheritance would be abstract)

Extreme weather conditions. No sun basking on beaches. Crops in glass houses in regulated environments. Environment much cleaner. Very clear skies

Much better.

Back in the present: have my major exam 2mrw...oho it is today's date...seven hours from now I'd be sitting in the examination hall