Split I stand in to thousand pieces
Of millions I was framed

Paused I… this time is not the same
Left the last moment behind as this one came
only to know the other by the same name

Colors change their hue
Red is white
And golden, blue

Never have I stood still
And as long as there is motion, never will

And on this crazy day like every other
I feel like a newborn without a mother
This moment I cry …this moment breaks in to two
N I don’t even know me from you

BTW: I was just thinking about linguistics and programming languages...noteworthy

P 64

adrenalin

She runs about 18 kilometers every morning*, attends her postgrad classes till afternoon and practices badminton for 2 hours every eve. Sitting in the court and watching classic badminton matches is joy…She is in peak form these days, national championships are right ahead and she has hopes of making it big this year.

Every eve when V would meet I’d find her bursting with life and full of stories of the day….she would loose herself (may be the adrenalin flowing in her veins - they have a fierce match every eve)…enthusiastic and wild like a rain flooded river…
Almost every week since the last two months she will have an Eureka moment- this is the guy:) I will sometimes feel concerned but most of the times would just let her be… another week n she moves on to a different story:)
She loves the university ground, can run as fast as anyone I know…we would sometimes stretch out together …sitting idle checking pulse rate… blah (an athlete’s pulse would run slower than normal, I know an international athlete with pulse rate of 45!)

Pause

My cell vibrates (was in office) …there is a msg frm her with name of a hospital and a room number. Me called up. She said Hi! in her usual voice and then her battery dies. I had no idea of the gravity of the situation until I reached… DAMN DAMN

She was driving her Kinetic…fast, raining, rickshaw blocks her way BANG Tyre of a Truck rolls over her.
4 fractures in spine
Intestines bundled
Ribs broken-2
Blot clots

Police takes her to a Govt. hospital- she lies amongst bodies n blood on a dirty stretcher with no attendant for 75 minutes. Family arrives… takes her to another hospital. She’s in ICU right now.
She had not cried all through the accident. The doctor checked her pulse and asked her if she is a sports person and she said Yes with gr8 pride and then she asked him when will she be able to play...? “will take some months….” she cried

Back in time

…she had called up late night soon after n exclaimed-Heaven!!
Pooja something great is happening …(am glad for it all now)


Mountains can wait until she reaches home.

# am feeling a little mad. A person I know closely is a doctor in that govt. hospital-she is a gynecologist. She has shared a lot. Was planning to write the story o travel of a manuscript from editor’s desk to printing press but now I think these real instances in a govt. hospital should follow…these were contained in me until this dear friend reached the place… No,i do not say anything out of disgust nor am I filled with the need to change this stinking world, there is no worry nor fear…I am a selfish fool and sometimes I feel like vomiting …vomiting it out

*this was only recently as she was testing her stamina. Usually she does a mix of weight training...hill training... blah and pardon me for not using the past tense

Did not know i'd write this

noticed quite a few language errors on my blog. logged on a couple of times to rectify but left with a new post instead. Error making phenomenon is pretty interesting, you know but then …you do not know. And there are instances when a slip happens and i recall it seconds, hours, days or even years later. I think I’d just let ‘em be-these err...errors:)

until next time



(later: had left the post incomplete ...it was yet to be written as I sat down gazing at the sky after a night spent rushing to find a medical shop for a sick friend, time emerged from night in to morn-full of reflection (another df met with accident-in hospital...just got the news)working my while away i feel that d time for my annual retreat arrives a little early....mountains and meditation now )

lv,
me

Trust

Managers are supposed to ‘deal’ not manage- this person quoted at lunch. He was pissed at the school kid treatment, micro management i.e. manager intruding in to every little thing,every email he sends out and every proposal (as a sponsoring edi)…this person and another teammate of mine (she has edited a very famous book) are efficient and dedicated. Manager’s lack of trust is just killing ‘em.

They have a few valid points:

Sponsoring/editing is their job, manager may tell them what is to be done ... leave the how part with the person immediately concerned (who has been executing since a couple of years)

Sponsoring/ editing is creative/dynamic. Everything can not be pre determined and time tables framed would need to be rehashed. Rigid frameworks are bottlenecks and result of being too assuming/idealistic

Employees who share years of common trust would instantly find out wat’s going on in the new manager’s mind. He can’t hold meetings with three employees individually at 9, 9:30, and 10am respectively and think that he has spoken to them separately/individually

And last but not the least, if he can’t trust them he can’t work with ‘em, not with dignity,not for long.

these guys will sort it out

...my immediate boss is a blessing and I am able to work cuz she is (apt for an editor) no nonsense, realistic, concise n precise in everything. If she finds a mistake she simply suggests the correction and checks for consistency :)


At home
The lady stayed at our place for a night …she’d left when I came back from office the next day. She will come back in a day or two for… may be a week’s stay. Welcome she’d be ...i did not ask her wat happened or why, and she never felt the need to tell…we did not exchange many words(just comfy in each other’s presence)
:) she got up at 5 that morn n did Yoga…me cooked Jackfruit and the courtesy was reciprocated, women at our place cooked their specialties and it was a little party last night. Four of us 'd gone for jogging and yeah now they are all sleeping with achy bums- stretched too far I guess

NE

Lesser laughter lesson

I am eating normally these days-thanks to NE. Airhostess gr8 cook.
We went jogging this morn. ‘t was drizzling. Had to mach her pace-slow.
Once we reached the ground (meeting place for athletes, lecturers…lawyers) me met another sad dost…left the place without any great incident. Moving out I had to wait for this salt pepper haired man to pass by n clear our way so that I may jump over the grill...impatient me as usual. He did a ladies first gesture. I explained and then jumped over. Aww he said (see this)…balanced himself on the rods in some great twisted fashion. I learnt the bat like hanging posture - will they insure my skull??
He had another lesson to teach me. Balanced himself again in a difficult position. I copied…could not hold myself and got up, laughed. He lost balance and mumbled -laughter distracted me…to maintain the focus do not even laugh.

I recalled a hundred instances when instinctive laughter distracted many a conversation… bad enough eh


later:

Just received a mail from an author(Process Engineering)


Name
Address
Date
Subject
silly formatting blah

Madam,

I received the edited pages with queries. We have checked them and offered our clarifications on the edited pages. Hope you will find them in order.

I appreciate the editing work which seemed to have been carried out with great care. I am sure this will enhance the value of the book...

We do not intend to add the page of dedication*. foreword by the expert XYZ is under preparation and is likely to be available by end of July 2006...

Regards,
BBBLAH

this mail made my day ...we had done 250 pages in 7 hours ( inclusive of redoing the freelancers markings)
*I liked this non dedicated spirit:)

Placed

Am going back home to get some cash…and can't resist jotting down

I overslept and dreamt of me getting married (must be some Freudian repressed desire o marriage) and then there were some horrible customs where the newly wed had to undergo torture, mental n physical - Horrible (must be some repressed fear of marriage) and then I dreamt of abortion (misspelled it like adoption- famous Freudian slip again)

Got up from my bed as I could not take in more dreams, still wondering wat was real n wat was dream. Messed up room, unwashed dishes, and I was hungry, went back to sleep

Had classes and was getting late…the only relief was that I do not need to wear formals like I have to when I dress up for office. 0ne can wear anything to college…:) jeans and glass bangles…
I had missed the orientation session and the snacks served. The course is going to be heavy…classes from 9 in morn to 5 in eve. Saturday off. Loved every word in the syllabus. I have to choose between a full time n highly satisfying job or thispostgraduatepostgrad thing. The course is close to my heart and I would not mind taking up research in this field, it is something I love to do

While walking as usual, I was struggling between two goodies to choose from. If I give up the job I will not be able to spend like I am used to now. Long time back I had decided to respect myself and to give myself a few luxuries like a room of my own with a green terrace…
and then it dawns on me, the way I am placed in life right now… everything about it reflects the pursuit I shall take up. Unlike the Jewish prayer which starts with “Blessed be God…that He did not make me woman”….I am glad about my self- contained feminity …like never before, it brought about things I would have not been sensitive towards had I been something else, also had I been a guy (knowing me) I would have had too many distractions:D
Am placed in a certain framework of facts, practice and circumstance amiable for the breakthrough


Later 9:09 to be precise

to wrap up the satueday eve...I had the hated job of shopping for some formal trousers. Entered the Cantabil showroom in Kamlanagar...turned out that I met the inhouse designer(Italian food I used to fall for, now its the clothing too) ...I loved the experience for once, the designer took great pains to help me pick up -made me try out a lot of stuff. Even the plain conversation as we to discussed the fall and the stich turned out to be pretty pleasent . The staff is great...it just happened that as i entered, two showroom guys (who considered themselves experts) guessed my size just by looking at me. I was offered two different sizes of the piece I picked, both of them waited anxiously outside the trial room to see which size I would choose. Picked up four pairs -two of each size. I guess both of them were pretty close-my size is somewhere in between...

Won't hate wearing formals, not now ... :)

9:37

Looks like this day woul not end, she called up and need a place to stay for the night. I have met her just once and god knows what happened...welcome thou are dear guest

Naidu

This floored me, cracked me, killed me....


I had just started flowing with the web pages making sense out of the not so readable handwriting, insertions, paras ....finding my way throught the author's pages (who liked to rethink/rewrite a lot of stuff) . My practise of sorting out my rough book came in handy:D

Went out for lunch since it was raining:P I trusted my 250 pages per day reading speed to come back and compensate for the time spent outside...came back to find another manuscript with "Urgent" written on it...solved question bank. Edited it. I noticed that the handwriting flowed neatly. Not a single spelling mistake...no errors...everything done to perfection, rounded beautiful dots on i's (almost as if from a feminine hand-could not help the bias!) and neatly spaced text.
Now, having observed closely the handwriting in manuscripts, I have come to associate meaningful/intelligent ideas with innovative spellings (potatium for potassium- u pronounce it that way:) ...and a very original way of expression which might be different from the established norm- we correct as much we can. Noticed that the handwriting changed at several places.


Naidu is dead my boss said...these are new pages in his book!!

July

There are Authors books...Authors dictates everything ( privilege* to best selling, acclaimed ones)
There are Publisher's book-they spell out the requirement , define everything
…and there is an in-between category

Most academic books r launched around/before July i.e before when the academic sessions begin, the months preceding these spell chaos in the editor’s room.

As I entered office… there was celebrative air, a new book was launched after two years of hard work. The sponsoring editor had a tough time getting the project cleared and getting the author to deliver on time… a thousand other bottlenecks…now unbelievably the book is PUBLISHED. I participated in the last lap of editing the Higher Engineering Mathematics book. As I held the book reading familiar names in the list of contributors thinking the work was over... I read something about the web pages available for the book and then
“Hey listen…this is urgent…the web pages are lying on your desk- edit ‘em fast, we hv said that pages are available … …

*Ironically this privilege is a factor salability…

Publishing a Book

Demystified

Books always had a charm away from the handwritten or spoken word, may be because of the seemingly one sided dialog happening at the ease of the reader, personal/ impersonal nature of which a varying factor. Now, when I am involved in converting handwritten manuscripts to books…the process is a little demystified.

Books contain mistakes. They are written in the mind of the author and sometimes in the mind of the manager*…it might be possible that a book may have voice of the author but may contain information demanded by an automaton*. No book is an independent work, as it goes to the printing press it has hundred of contributors, not only in terms of publishers or stuff but in terms of contributors of ideas, and contribution in terms of bringing out a relevance/context . Also, no book is complete…

There are rare, excellent books and there are popular books. Academic books fall in the popular category cuz they are mass produced. Academic books have a mass demand and a massive influence.

Academics- what is to be taught is defined by a bench of university professors/teachers. These professors/teachers are not independent entities unto themselves and in the process of producing unbiased text, feel bound by the system-which might be free in a varying degree! Moreover, to take on a new updated or a liberal course structure is a tough and costly task, practiced when profitable. How can a project be taken if there is no Return On Investment. ROI is seen in tangible/monetary terms and not in terms of abstract intellectual category in the business of education (except in privileged cases) . In introducing a new course and replacing an established one, apart from the risk involved, the cost, time and work involved may be a be restraining factor. Mindsets …some teachers for some unknown reason resist a new course as they might have to update themselves and rework years old meticulously prepared lectures*, (as if those teaching how to learn can not learn themselves. Those up the higher rung after years of experience :) do at times belong to the old school of thought (age not a necessary factor but mindset)! Anyways, in spite of all this, course structure is one of the most lethal tools of mass production. There are factories which produce goods which perform a particular function, e.g. washing machine for washing clothes. This production can be done at a mass scale as there is a set of function to be uniformly performed and it might be repetitive and the more repetitive/ mechanical/predictable the function, more profitably it can be mass produced. It is also possible to develop software which can be fed in to a system to enable it to perform a particular task-repetitively. There are schools and colleges which produce specialized skill sets –doctors, engineers, pilots, professional... which help to run the social machinery. Course books are just manuals of instructions. These are authored not out of independent pursuits but by design.

To bring out an academic text several authors collate their ‘knowledge’ which might be a cosmetic adaptation of some already existing text. Even examples are borrowed ‘as is’. Examiners too at times for the comfort of the students do not take the risk of being too innovative and ask questions ‘as is’ from the text retaining the same quantities and names in numerical examples promoting the practice to mug up and memorize an application instead of developing an insightful investigation of a question. Muggers - high scorers are a different species from question-investigation-arrival –application intelligent scorers. Lack of questioning attitude makes better employees but pathetic managers. But we require numerous employees and fewer managers:o. Each author with their specialized area of knowledge will contribute a chapter. The only holistic/consistent factor in the book might just be the 'appearence' i.e. consistency in font and format. Readers are given a glossy but fragmented piece to chew- they are going to be a cog in machine afterall.
Some students feel the angst …they do feel unfulfilled and directionless but they are made to be fine with the functional part, they can produce and earn their existence...but the why is missing


#This was the first part of Book Publishing Process, we will continue with this in the coming posts, will bring in real life instances


*Sponsoring Editor is a managerial/editorial job
*by automaton I mean mechanics of the system.
*at the same time some professors at the university infuse life with radical thinking and make students read stuff which may go well beyond the existing course structure...St. Stephens DU has an excellent faculty

Last Night

Went downstairs (at around ten last eve) to meet the landlady, I had not talked to her after I had arrived with my bag and baggage last afternoon…went as I could hear that the dinner was over.
She greeted and called her husband…minutes turned in to hours as we talked about their family….this lovely old couple shared important events (and concerns) of their life. I was touched…time flied for ‘em. Quarter to twelve and my neighbor- next- door came wondering where was I (had told her i wld b bk in 10 min)

#This is a writer’s room- small, tidy, window opening up to a huge tree trunk… a fool mused to herself whilst takin a first glance at the room

Don’t Wanna Run Away

Do U want a free burger at Mc Donalds she asked…ha ha we laughed our hearts out.
What is it that we are learning, regular dance or Jazz?
When did you shift?! Again!!
Have u seen the new rock climbing wall at St. Stephens?
Can’t u?! …pull yourself!! (and this time I could lift myself up the Gymnastic rods)
Do you know what happened….????...
..?:)

I lost it this weekend …really.
Worked out all the heaviness accumulated through the weekend …sweat, blood (hurt myself real bad), workouts and craziness. Look back and you might see me in jogging on the versity road, talking at the top of our voices, kicking middle of the street, spending like there’s no tomorrow, fighting and fallin in love with life, sharing a meal with a hungry woman sitting by the roadside, zooming and rocking on the road, sitting cross-legged on my mat, walking down in an evening gown and then an hour later in cargos, daring to accept me, renewing and shedding in a hundred moments, catching up with ol’ friends n being the same with strangers n bye like we never met!, givin a damn to whoever heard our crazy nonsense or got shocked if they took us seriously, did not tie my hair, felt crazy n felt b’ful … have grown thinner :( but stronger, who is eatin n who wants to sleep…anarchy

On a Friday

When blossoms packed in boxes shall die...creativity rising from chaos will fly-high!

On this great Friday I am asked not to wear sport shoes to office…not even jeans:)
Now, how can I not wear denims n start wearing tissue silk urrrgh. My org is a little ol’ one... most people (exceptionally well dressed n tight lipped) are decades ahead of me in years and have different taste in music, xyz …but working platform is same. Being different is not troublesome for me …butt it is difficult for them.
OK guys I respect ur tradition, if not for myself then for your sensitive sensibility…(thanks for giving me equal play at work) I will wear thy tradition ...as if it will make me feel more like my profile-precise n responsible.

err will have to buy serious stuff :(( hate shopping…


Nomad at heart,singing my song
Me spells my art, short is long!

and am goin to get a bamboo plant to keep on my desk-need some life yaar

What the Hell

I felt pain yesterday…but that was Ok. I bought a thermometer while going back yester eve from my medical shop, went back home checked- 105 (shit! tomorrow is going to b an imp. day) I knew the nature of the thing and taking a bath to bring the temperature down was not a bad idea, soon after bath the reading was 102 like d frequency of my fav. radiostation. Morning and it was 100 yeah! It was raining cats and dogs, like a decent woman I wore black and took an auto considering the rain….what the hell! left the auto midway …found myself jogging away in the rain through lush green trees and pouring rain-won’t forget this dayJ 98.4 now hurry....meetn now!

Closed Eyes Phenomenon

Recently I noticed a familiar thing-people generally close their eyes while soaking in experience and it might continue in the moments immediately following the experience. I associate it (dunnow why) with an instance in DU women’s hostel where two visually impaired students arrived, without speaking they found two seats individually and then (to my surprise) one of them directed her face towards the other and exchange the first words. I was surprised at the sense of direction (Blindsight ).How did she know exactly where the other was sitting... I did not ask her coz her conscious mind would not know how it happened...she just acted on her stage.
Pause
I decided last week that before locking my door, as I leave for office, I will Pause- lights, geyser, iron, gas (have I switched ‘em off?)
Pause to reconsider. Pause in everything as usual. Pauses taken sub/un/consciously.
Pause is opposite to closed eyes phenomenon, in a context. Former is involving/allowing either yourself/circumstance/action. Latter is observing/weighing/reconsidering either yourself /circumstance/action.

Things I considered important shifted

This pain (physical too) is just preparation, for soon there will be no pause.
Yesterday I keyed in N the door did not open, did not taken a second attempt to realize that the landlady armed with a duplicate set had been in there and had locked it from inside absentmindedly. One hour later she arrives…I had worked out anger, met her with calm and this time I noticed…as I did several things at the same time which required varied responses, I did not pause

#nonduality, no micro macro

Happy and Gay

At 3am this morn

Hanged by moments…
they destroy and remake,
As the hour sleeps, I stay awake

Bandwagon of fear and fire
As it passeth by
I stand alive to the moment …
… it comes to die.

Felt better after writing this …had a test this morning n could not sleep. It turned out well and after it was over I rushed to the canteen and then for a meeting at office…landlady called up in midst of chaos to ask me to keep my room doors closed (i was not even at home cow) anyways nice weather n I love public transport…met a pair o happy n gay guys, real smart people yaar!

Weekend

…d n I m feeling stUCK Blocked Mad and dunnow what! People around me are wearing sick Pink! Hate that color. N this mood is gonna spoil my weekend for sure…

…theek hai I feel like Awful n yeah my head is spinning #$$% #$%$

ah! plain pleasure of talking $hit

I Withdraw

U can stand near me but please do not step on my gown!

I recall some nasty incidents. When I had stolen trivial pieces as a child, and been an ignorant fool as a grown up- had it not been the company of those smarter than me, I would have never traversed the expanse.
The added dimension experience (of anything) brings is worthwhile, and progressive if accompanied by a better -than -u bit. On the reverse side, those better than us do a graceful act by sharing their expanse.
Also, if U go about sharing thee then u should know how much you can spare. Masai tribe still retains thousand year old practices. Nothing to be proud of in that …in stagnancy. Sticky clinging. Present is lively - information, high-speed connexion…Change. Change (- or +) at this pace has a pro - brings in relative evaluation of the self, one knows that is one is not consistent but changing (if not evolving:), one is not one. Person who had stolen things as a kid is now away from that state of mind, would rather forego than pick up, change has happened from the core. To know that every moment is new! That there is no ownership of the stupidities of the past unless I choose to carry over- to know!
I shall not regret the inconvenience of withdrawing from circumstance inclusive of people I hang out with, place I put up or wor to accommodate the rapid change, just to accomodate the change/to allow. That is important though it involves a lot of sacrifice n generally tough (initially) to build again from the scratch, but rich dividends man! This moment- last evening spent with them marks the moment which says ‘time to leave thee dear’…

No not receding but shifting planes

While Editing

*When you feel too much of a strain…there is something wrong in your understanding, if not in the approach.

# there might be something wrong ‘bout the external circumstance, some mistakes or too many mistakes in the text, but that should result in an action plan and not strain. If Pooja is feeling strain then there is something at the internal level too, refer *

#Instanced by me feeling strain while editing a text, too many errors in the script, went to sr. editor, she shares insight, now back to the same document –calm and more efficient

Later: wat a relief to check the freelancer's markings in a process engineering text...doing computer books I had started behaving like a computer program (clean/not clean, hot/not hot ...people around me were served some gud jokes)

Marshalla and Illias

Illias is a simple man. Marshall, to put it simply, is beautiful.
The two of them.
Marshalla had a Russian father and a Latin American mother. Say her mom n dad met at Oxford …and it is another special story umm shade o life I meant)

Sunday

Mood: mean
Music: rock...(since last five minutes after a loooong fast)

Post below written before I started with d sound



In absence of noise, I hear the sound, the me, clear

…I fall by my very nature
(not sad)

I had spent the hot day with an old friend. 5 years back this family had revived life in me-complete strangers they were:) Today, they had come down to the university and we had spent a whole day walking in the sun looking for an accommodation as she got admission in SRCC. We had lunch at my place, they left, and suddeny I felt very lonely after they left.
Sat on the stairs outside my place (20 minutes later I would be saved from a potentially killer accident on the street). I sat pretty mindlessly standing on the brink of sadness but then saw thinner- than- twigs legs of a bird. How fragile life is and yet it carries, hop hop! Got up from the stairs and wrote


“I fall, by my very nature”
meaing I degenerate, grow old n sick…moment I accepted the truth I felt better. I reached the main road- a bus passed by... n had I not turned around to say Hi to an acquaintance I could hv very well been under the ugly, rushing, huge thing – gave a damn

close my eyes n let the acoustic guitar play